Soulja Boy

When DB calls me, my phone rings Soulja Boy Crank Dat (Google it, if you have never heard the song). It's really a very inappropriate song in it's lyrics, but it's got a great beat and the title gets me. Except every time my phone rings to that song, I panic!
Tonight DB called at about 8:30 PM.
"Guess where I am Imma?"
I hate that question!
"In the hospital?" Why shouldn't that be my first guess?
"No Imma, I'm in the Ben Shemen forest down the road. My commander said you could come visit."

Drop everything and go. That's the life of an IDF mom!

DB didn't know exactly where he was. "Somewhere in the forest. Abba for sure knows where we are. He rides his bike here all the time."

We drove around in the dark with ELy crying "I'm scared" from the back seat. He didn't know where he was and we weren't sure where to find him.

We found him, and the rest of his unit. As we drove up, there was only one bright light lit by generator and a large fire. I could only see young men, most without their shirts on, with their guns strapped around them. In the fire were four "POYKE POTS." A Poyke pot is a huge rod iron pot with a lid that is put in the fire. In the pot is carrots onions potatoes, sweet potatoes and chicken. Add water. Add chili sauce and honey. Last 20 minutes add rice. Stew. Cholent.

I brought cookies, which the boys devoured!!

There we were in the woods, boys sleeping around us on mattresses n the middle of the forest, waiting for their stew to be done. In the middle of the forest, these young men - boys - soldiers. there to learn how to live.

I couldn't follow too much of the conversations -- frustrating.

DB was happy to see us and of course so were we. He told us about his week. Lots of all night hiking/ navigation.

Tired boys.

Surreal moments.

How I know when someone might not like me

It's a feeling.
A very strong feeling.
It's the way she looks at me.
It's the way she speaks to me.
Or tolerates my presence.

Maybe I intimidate her. Or threaten her.

It's the look. Or the exasperation.

The vibes are there.

From the beginning it's been like that.

I don't think I did anything. I try to be nice. Look her in the eye. Smile. Engage.

I was in the room for a few minutes before I said hello - I was talking to someone else. That seemed to upset her. I didn't acknowledge her right away. Maybe I should have?

Otherwise, it seems as if my mere existence makes her grumpy.

I upset her when I speak. Ask questions. She argues almost everything I say. Defensive.

Threaten? maybe? But why? How?

Do I really have to process it with her? What did I do?

Why can't she just like me?

Geesh!

The Good News, The Bad News and the Bad News in the Good News

That's how he said it to me when he called on Friday:

"Hi Imma! How are you Imma? I've got good news and bad news and bad news in the good news.

The good news, sort of, is that we were just told that we have the week off this week. The bad news is that I have to stay in for Shabbat because I got in trouble for falling asleep during guard duty.

The bad news in the good news is that I probably won't be home now for Rosh Hashana or Sukkot. Don't know for sure yet, but I doubt it.

So I'll be home on Saturday night and will probably go up north with the guys on Sunday and Monday. Tuesday we're going to have a BBQ, maybe at our house.

You and I can hang out on Wednesday and Thursday. K?"

Thanks DB.

Grandma says this is a good way for me to prepare to be a mother in law.

I have no say. I don't have a choice. I can have an opinion, but so what. You don't belong to me anymore. Someone else is your boss, they get to say when you come and go. And I have no more control over how much time you spend with me.

I can try to accept it, but I'm not going to like it for a very long time!

Reality? I'd prefer a little more fantasy right now...

Sigh

MY first day of 4th and 12th grade!

It's not just NED and ELY starting school today. I start school also.

I have to study for the tests and make sure the homework gets done.

I have to make sure to wake up on time for the bus.

I have to make sure healthy lunches are packed.

I have to be sure to be respectful to the teachers when they say and do ridiculous, not fair things!

I have to cover the books and buy the supplies needed.

I have to meet with the teachers and listen to them.

I have to try to understand the subjects or make sure I find someone who can help.

I have to be positive and try my hardest too!!

I have to advocate for myself.

Yep - I'm starting school today too!

Married 21 years

That's a long time. Not as much as my grandparent's 74. But still a lot!

With the same guy.

Day in and day out.

Same guy.

Never thought.

But am so relieved. So satisfied. Content.

Can't imagine anything else being better. This is as good as it gets.

Thank you, G-d!

i need intervention

I need a sign.
From G-d.
Or someone
to tell me what to do.
Just tell me what to do.
Promise me that it will be the best choice
That everything will work out okay.
That I don't have to worry.
That I can be at peace with the decision.
And that she will be okay.
She won't get lost in the crowd.
That she will learn enough to understand.
That she will still love Torah.
That she will have a voice.
That she won't be influenced.
That she will learn.
If I knew that it would be problem free, I would sign her up tomorrow.
But, the alternative isn't much better.
The alternative doesn't even exist yet. Only in theory. And the past theory wasn't 100%. So the alternative isn't perfect either.
And a week before school is supposed to start, there is no other choice.

It's 4th grade. people tell me not to worry. People tell me it's the most important years. People tell me she needs to get used to big classrooms. People tell me she needs more structure. People say, what about the Torah? People tell me they have a great teacher. People tell me it's only elementary school. People say 38 girls is too many for one classroom. 12 is much better.

That's it!!
I need a sign. I need a sign with the RIGHT answer...

Crazy Dream last night

I don't always write about my dreams. But this one upset me, so I need to write about it.

In a nutshell, I dreamt that an old friend, who is very bad about being in touch, got divorced from her husband, without telling me.
We were somewhere together, happy to see each other. Talking as if we had seen and spoken the day before. It took me a couple hours to realize her hair wasn't covered anymore. (Which for observant Jewish women is a sign of not being married) I made a comment to another friend, who told me she was divorced, but hadn't told anyone. And I got very upset.

So now what. It was one of those dreams that felt so real.

It could be real. This friend might be going through marriage difficulties, but I wouldn't know it. She rarely speaks to me. I call. I leave messages. She does not (or very very rarely) reciprocate. So does that still mean she's a friend?

What constitutes a friend? Do the two people have to speak to each other. Or do they only have to think about each other without knowing what is really going on in that person's life? I used to consider this friend a very good friend. But if I have no idea what is going on in her life, what kind of friend am I? And how can I be a friend when she won't allow me to be?

Maybe this dream was more about what it means to me to be a friend, and not about this friend specifically...

Just thinkin'...

Sometimes my dreams really shake me up!

What's real?

It's that question again...

People are so complicated. Life is so complicated.

Nothing or no one is simple.

Everyone has their own story.

Is my life real or is yours?

I might not live my life the way you do, but does that mean it's not real? It is for you.

Why would I live my life any other way than the way I know how to right now. That is real. For now.

So if it's a lie or extreme or different than what other people do or think or believe, does that make it not real?

I don't know.
How do I know?

Right now what is real for me is that I am listening to Country music over the internet while typing this; MB is on a plane flying across the Atlantic Ocean, coming home; DB, I assume, is alive somewhere in the northern part of Israel, learning navigation, and whatever else he needs to learn; i have no idea how he is, how he is feeling, if his ankle is okay, if he's hungry or cold or lonely?; Ely is alseep in her father's bed; NED is in a car with her father taking our friend Adina to the airport. I'm tired, have a sink of dishes to wash, need to cook more tomorrow for Shabbat.
I am thinking about a long stream of people: DG, YG, YMB, SS, SB, VR, AG, CLR, YS, -- they just keep streaming.

So in this moment that is my reality.

But is it real? Still don't know...