Ely's new bike

I took NED's old bike for a tune-up and now Ely has a "new" bike to ride. She has learned how to use the bike lock and so will ride her bike to camp tomorrow for the first time.

Today she road her bike to pick up our mail from the post office. She came back with the backpack full.

Soon I'll be able to send her to the makolet (local market) to buy milk!

Woo-hoo! My baby's got wheels!

Getting ready to pack

I am trying to find old letters to bring with me to my high school reunion.
At every reunion that I have been to so far, I have given notes/letters/cards to the person with him I wrote the notes to, or about. I know I have more, I just can't seem to find them. I'm finding all kinds of other interesting stuff while searching though!

I hate packing and so I will procrastinate doing whatever else I can not to pack.

I have a recurring dream about packing and so my anxiety kicks in when I start to pack to go somewhere.
The dream is usually about packing a suitcase or a car for a trip. I experience complete panic and anxiety that I can't fit everything I need in or can't find something I need. Or that I have forgotten something but can't remember what it is.
I wake up panicked.
I haven't had that dream yet. Maybe because I am actually living it instead.
It's not like I'm going to the jungles of Africa. I can buy anything I want or need when I get there.
I also always have this fear that I am going to starve on the plane, so I have to always bring food for myself.

This trip is a combination of have to, need to and want to.

I have to see my grandparents.
I need to see my nieces and nephews (and grand nieces and nephews!)
I want to see my old high school friends.

My brothers and sisters, parents and friends are all extra treats! I miss my family, but stay in very close touch with them by phone, email and skype.

It will be nice to have a change of scenery.

And I'm ready to come home already!

Crazy right?

What it takes to feed an army

DB called me today (which always scares me when I get a call from him in the middle of the day/middle of the week!)

He informed me that his commander told him and another religious boy in his unit, whose family lives nearby, that they could organize a break-fast for after the fast today.

Which translated means: Imma, would you please bring food for my unit for after the fast.

How could I say no? As I have said before, there is not much more I can do for my son these days, so cooking and preparing food for a break-fast, it is.

Wanna know what it took to feed these approxiamately 22 boys?

1. 48 scrambled eggs
2. A whole bag of potatoes, cut into chunks (thanks to Adina B!!), spiced and browned under the broiler
3. A stir-fry of red pepper, onions and mushrooms
4. A 10 kilo watermelon, cut into chunks
5. 2 containers of g'vina levana (Israeli version of sour cream or very soft cream cheese
6. 4 bottles of juice

I grabbed my box of cheap paper goods (which really didn't matter as the boys were drinking straight from the bottles - although, I did get them to use plates and forks!)

Ari and I drove to the base - which for the next two weeks is only 7 minutes from our home.

We sat in the dark as the boys ate.
They were very courteous and appreciative, and tried to make conversation, although i was limited with the hebrew - very frustrating!

Another Israel experience - and I can now literally say, "I REALLY made enough for a small army!!

Eloise

Reading Eloise to Ely before bed.
What a spoiled psycho little girl Eloise is. Ever read it?
Fun book to read

The author randomly writes what Eloise likes and hates in the middle of the story.

Here's mine

What I like: Peanut Butter M&M's
What I hate: Ari's palm pilot

What Ely said:

While watching the Michael Jackson memorial with me, she saw the front row of Jackson brothers and said, "They all look like Obama."

Walking to camp this morning, she saw a dog pee on the corner of a wall. Somehow that brought her to think of this: "I love cozy corners. Like at Judy's house (our neighbor) , she has the seat by the window with that pretty window she made (stained glass), and I love to curl up in that seat and get cozy.

At the park in Modiin, sheleaves her friend to come sit on my lap. "I love sitting on your lap, Imma, it's so cozy."

UNproductive day

There's what I did and what I didn't do...

What I did do:
- 2 loads of laundry, hung out in the sun to dry in order to save money on the electricity bill. Towels dried in less than 30 minutes, but were like cardboard.
- grocery shopping, watermelon and melons are delicious this time of year
- put away two baskets of laundry that have been sitting in the hall for two weeks
- browsed websites for a place for Ari and I to get away next week
- ran "Camp Mommy": lunch, game time, 2 hours in the neighbor's pool, dinner, 1 hour in a new park in Modiin with fun climbing stuff, gave Ely a manicure and pedicure

What I didn't do:
- write an article for the local magazine to publicize myself
- go down to my art room and start my new paper mache project
- decide on a place for Ari and I to get away to next week
- eat well
- wash the dishes in the sink or put away the ones I washed last night
- find a way for me to make more money

I had that stuck feeling in my throat and chest all day. What more am I supposed to be doing?

I admit it!

I'm sad that Michael Jackson died!
Yes, he was a bit of a weirdo. But I have always loved his music and dancing!
He was a very talented, entertaining man, and I could never watch him perform too much.

I'm gonna go watch my Michael Jackson DVD...

Rest in Peace, Michael.

End of Today

There is nothing like sitting on a sandy beach, as the waves wash over you while making a drip sand castle!

Although more crowded than I would have liked, I put on my earphones as Ely and her friend played around me and I took a nap in the sun.

When I awoke, I jump in the warm water, rode the waves, chose some shells to bring home and buried myself in the sand.

I could do this everyday!

Start with today

Today is Tuesday.
No meetings in Jerusalem, no clients.
Women's day at the beach.
I am waiting for Ely to come home from day camp so we can pack up and go to the beach.
It's vacation and I have things to do - so we are going to the beach.
Only cost is gas and time away from doing other things that need to get done, but won't. So I am waiting and we will go.

MB and NED are in Kansas visiting the inlaws. DB is in army training.

This is a very big house for only three people.

I want to start my paper mache project today. I am taking my old journals, and instead of throwing them away or burning them, I am going to create something new out of them. I already made a simple pencil holder for Ari's desk at work.
It means reading through them again which iosn;t always easy, but Ilike being able to create positive fromt eh negative.

Taht's today so far...

May was a long time ago

May was a long time ago, and the last time I posted anything.

I appreciate those who have sent me messages asking for more, I have been censored from the outside, inside and in between.

I am constantly thinking about what I would write, how I would title my post, whom I would offend or upset, and whom would appreciate the post.

My head is always full of thoughts. Sometimes they go away, sometimes they just lessen in intensity. Sometimes they never go away.

To get me started again, here’s a list of some of those thoughts rambling through my brain, in no significant order:

- Money
- Money
- Money
- No money
- Spending money
- Wanting money
- Being choked by money
- Crying over money
- Fighting over money
- Being aware, for the first time (I am embarrassed to admit), of what money there is and what money there isn’t
- Trying to understand money
- Trying to manage money
- Did I mention money?

Ok, move on…
- My health, caring and not caring
- Living with pain, constantly
- Finding a doctor who might be able to listen and help
- Caring about people and not caring, who to care about and who not to bother with
- School for Ely next year
- School for NED next year, differently than Ely
- The surreal-ness and reality of having my only son in the Israeli army: worrying, not expecting, still loving, finding support
- Work: finding work (which connects with money again); wanting to work; trusting work; what to work as?
- Marriage: why some stay together, why some break apart
- Making time for my creativity
- Getting ready for my 25th high school reunion. Expectations. What do I wear on my head? Do I really care?

Without thinking really hard for something else, that about covers it. My head hurts and I have a tightness in my chest now, just thinking about all those things.

Let’s add coping to that list…

Something a little lighter...

Given my ridiculously intense post from yesterday, I thought I'd try something much lighter today--

Let's see, how about the weather?
IT'S HOT!!! Time to turn on the AC, but can't afford to!! Keeping fans running instead. This is when I wish we had a pool and not a beautiful garden that needs watering!! Malka went to the beach today - I should have gone with her.

But I need to be working. We need me to be working. I need me to be working. But don't know how to do it.

Wait, I said light....

OK.

Give me a lighter topic, and I'll try to write something light.
Everything seems heavy to me...

Existential questions

Don't know if I have mentioned this in previous posts, but I have no problem saying it again.

At almost 43 years old, I feel myself going through what feels like what would be an existential crisis.

Big thoughtful questions
Deep concerns
Lots of unknowns

What is real? If we all create our own reality then how do we know what is really real?

How do I know what I know is real or true?

Is what is real for me, real for you?

I question really knowing something. What do I really know? Am I unsure about everything? Or can I say there are things that I ABSOLUTELY know.

These questions have brought me to a place of just living in the moment. Because only this moment is real. I don’t know what will be, have no control over it per se, and cannot change what has happened. So I can only live my best now.

Have I ever told you about my "monsters in the basement" philosophy?
I once saw a cartoon that showed a parent and a child having an argument about the child wanting to go down to the basement. The parent could see that there were monsters down in the basement and tried to warn the child of them. But the child wouldn’t listen or didn't believe and started toward the basement door. The parent yelled, "Don’t go down to the basement, there are monsters!!" But the kid does not listen, he goes down to the monsters in the basement, and the parent realizes that the kid has to face his own monsters.

One of the most difficult parts of my being a parent, friend, or therapist has been allowing the people I care about to face their own monsters. I have learned that all I can do is be there for them after they do face their monsters; to be there however that person needs me to be. But I can’t stop them – as much as I want to – from facing them.

I also used to ABSOLUTELY KNOW that there were really bad monsters down in that basement. I no longer know that for sure. I don’t know if the monsters are really that bad. And I have become better at accepting the fact that I can no longer control whether anyone goes down to confront their monsters.

Living in what I call “the fog of not knowing” is my new challenge. Accepting the not knowing. And being okay that I might not know. That is a challenge!

I have been, and for ever will be, a person who questions. It’s my blessing. Because I know that if I knew that I knew and got all the answers, I would still not be satisfied. I have thought about this. I think I would then rather be dead. It’s the questions and not knowing that keep me alive and growing and wondering.

I don’t know if this post was really meant for the public.
I do know, because people tell me, that they learn things about themselves from posts like this. So I will post it even if it is a little more personal than usual.

I need to write. My posting and knowing people are reading, validates my thought process. I am not ashamed and am actually quite proud that I am able to think, feel and express.

That’s enough for one post. Gotta get back to the moment of doing laundry, planning menus and living.

Thanks for listening….

Living in calm

When I was a teenager, I lived for crisis.
Everything was a big deal, everything was a crisis, and if it wasn't, I made it into one.

Maybe I got older, maybe I matured, maybe life just calmed down...or maybe I now have daughters who pull out the drama of everything for me!

Whatever it is, life seems so much less dramatic for me. Maybe I'm just too tired to react. Maybe I can't be bothered?

Lots of maybes.

I watch my daughters. They are dramatic. Everything is a huge deal for them.

I let them carry the drama for me.

And so I feel more calm -- at least for now - until the next crisis!!!!